somewhat wedding update, mostly just concerns

Well, for those who I haven't talked off the ears of, I have come along way with the planning of our wedding (please notice "our" not "my"). However, I have also a long way to go with many details.
This was the beginning to an entry I was going to post last month. The funny thing is is that it is still relevant now. So I will leave it as my intro.

If you haven't noticed, because for some reason I am not the center of your universe, I have... actually today it is 5days! I must have clicked the wrong thing, this post has been sitting in the folder (sorry Kylie) and you know what? the things in this post are still relevant less than two weeks (11days) to our wedding. I don't have a list of things to do but rather a list of things to remember. Which is worse? better? I am not stressed! ahem, I mean ... I'm not stressed. Really! I'm not. I'm am trying to stay as calm as possible and it is easier than I thought (I am taking one day at a time and that works). Other than having a million things (i'm exaggerating a little bit) run through my head, I'm doing pretty good.
Along the way, people have asked me "how is the planning going? are you ready?" and so on. To all I have had responded more than once "Everything's been great. Everyone around us is so helpful. We're really lucky that both our families are supportive and tell us to just do it the way we want." And it has been great, don't get me wrong (do you feel the 'but' coming on?). But...now that it is crunch time, and the day is creeping closer... I won't name any names, but just to be fair to Ryan's side of the family, I will direct it to certain members of my family, have become a bit of a pain. Although very helpful most of the time, all I've been hearing is "why aren't you doing it this way? why aren't you having this? why don't you include this?".....combo of "UGHS!" and "AAHS" are escaping me and I really should apologize for being rude...but come on! You're saying this to me now?! ok, that's all i'm going to say for that now, because really they have all been great and I know they just want the best for us.

Other than that I'm really excited. We've put our bad couple months behind us. The New Year brought with it good luck and optimism for a good year ahead. We came into the new year full force and we're excited. Penny just turned 1 and she's changed a bit, we got to enjoy time with the Sarabun's of Fernie before Christmas (an entry I may only have time to make when we get back from our Honeymoon). And we had time to spend with family and friends (I made my first turkey alone).... and it was relaxing and perfect.

The only thing that I'm really concerned about is our(my) dancing and my vows. We started dance lessons late October (to get an early start and lots of time to practice) and it was going well, but then we got busy and then the house issue and holidays.... Well, around the new year we learned our instructor was having knee surgery on the 5th and that left us very little time to re-learn and learn some new stuff. We crammed almost 4hrs between 2days...I got to say, dancing for 2hrs flies by, and you feel it afterwards. But maybe I shouldn't mention this because we got to step it up for the Big Day and I keep thinking...well...I won't get into that. But what has been on my mind, should we schedule it in for the beginning of the night or the end? or how I phrase it to Ryan "Do you want to dance before dinner and drinks or at the end of the night, after dessert and after a few drinks?" His response, "End of the night sounds good but you can't have a few drinks, you'll be done in and I don't know how you'll do." I reply "Well thanks sweetie, for the confidence and encouragement." And since I have the chance (but don't hold it against me please) I'm not the one screwing up in practice and not focusing. geez, learning something new as a couple really makes you learn patience and understanding for one another. The song is a bit slow (and short) and when my sis was looking at a bit of footage we saved on our camera, she asked/joked "Am I watching it in slow motion?" haha, and I was dancing with the instructor, it's supposed to be that way. I'm sure we'll do fine and that it'll all go well, it's just hard to find time to practice, to take initiative and the time out, since we have to do it on our own (without an instructor counting aloud).

My other concern, looming over me that I keep trying to brush off, is my vows. We decided and agreed we would write our own vows....what were we thinking (haha, just joking). It was my idea and I stick by it. But for anyone that has seen my public speaking skills (or lack thereof) will know I have something to be concerned about. And especially if you witnessed my incoherent, really long (only because I kept having to pause for my unstoppable tears) speach I fumbled through at my sister, Bonnie's wedding, will know that I should definately practice and have a back-up written copy somewhere on me. I feel I was so horrible that I can't even bring myself to watch their wedding video. geez, I was so sure I would be fine, I tried not to make a big deal of it, to help trick myself into reciting it effortlessly and smoothly. NOPE! I was wrong, my mind knew it was the big day and I blew it. I still get cringes thinking about it. And I practiced, at the oddest times even, just to learn to hold back the tears and to "keep going"...didn't work. I remember I was in an awesome mood one day, about life and about my sister's upcoming wedding. I was driving in traffic, delivering some lines, thinking up some anecdotes or semi-funny jokes, when all of a sudden I became overwhelmed and started crying. There I am driving along, talking out loud to myself, crying my eyes out...I was a wreck. If anybody seen me, well, I don't know what they would of been thinking, probably...'that girl should not be driving, there is obviously something wrong with her'. Well, I'm trying to drive, wiping back the tears and keeping (trying to) my composure (what was left of it atleast). I remember pulling up to the house and seeing Ryan (by now my face all dry and a bit calmed down), he asked me "is everything all right?" I told him I was practicing my speech.
I think maybe I was a bit too confident too. I remember being a bit less nervous for another speech I made for my good friend's wedding, where I was also the maid of honour. I remember I didn't practice much, just tried to memorize a few key points I wanted to include and it went really well. I held back my tears just enough to get the words out and only fumbled once by repeating one line (that Ryan, so graciously, pointed out) and I got a lot of compliments afterwards. All I heard at Bonnie's wedding were things like "why were you crying so much? what was wrong with you?" as well as, a few sad impersonations of mumbling mixed with sob sounds. The worst part, do you want to know? I was so relieved that I had brought it to an end, I closed with "Thank you", I didn't even toast them at the end! How ridiculous and thoughtless is that?! I don't care what anyone says, I screwed that part up nicely.
To top it all off, Ryan keeps telling me (and showing me his notes, etc) that he wants to speak first. He says he will recite it so well and clearly (and of course it will be as sweet as he can be) that it will leave me crying and wrecked, that I will not be able to get a single word out. Wherein everyone will compliment him and say he is such a nice guy and a good public speaker, which will leave me looking like.....well, the exact opposite. I know that he's just joshing me and giving me a hard time, but part of me knows he's right.
But to be really honest, anything exceeding one line (including "I love you") will be amazing and be way out of his realm, that obviously it will make me cry. Ryan's response or even solution to any arguement/situation, good/bad is "I love you".
On our anniversary last month, that we celebrated in Fernie, we shared a bottle of champagne and we linked arms and I suggested we toast each other. I started, and included that I didn't want to go too in depth, in case I would have to repeat myself for our vows. I then proceeded to say a few very flattering, nice things about him and what he means to me, etc... He looks at me and acknowledges my kind words, tilts his head and gazes into my eyes, says "I love you" and proceeds to drink to his toast. "That's it?! You're done?! I already know you love me!" then I laughed and told him he better make it up to me at the wedding. So maybe it is the pressure that has kicked his butt in gear and to be prepared for our solo moment.

This is very theraputic and I should bring it to a close. I could keep going but I need to get off my butt. Thanks for listening/reading, sorry there's no pictures. We do finally have a computer up and running at our house, just got to sit down and upload 2 1/2 months worth. As soon as the wedding is past and we are back from our Honeymoon (Jamaica, by the way) I will be able to resume with our everyday and we'll be man and wife.
However, I prefer, wife and man on the side.

Ok, so the only newest thing after all what you read (sorry they are so long and pictureless) are:

(really quickly because I'm saving the details for another post)

* I have a cold from Ryan (early wedding gift)

* I had a lovely bridal shower at my oldest sister's House, Susan

* I had a very fun, fun, fun stagette

* my voice is close to gone and a red bump on my lip

* 5 days from now I'll be taking pictures, getting ready, to walk down the aisle!!!